doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
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[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.