JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
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[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Saint West, the patron of selfies
describing stardew valley
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.