[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
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keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
seems like a niche market
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.