i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
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I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?