When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
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“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.