My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
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What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.