People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
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It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
every college guy’s fridge
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.