My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
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What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?