Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
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[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
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4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about