Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
You Might Also Like
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler