My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
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This came to me in a dream.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
I need to update my racial profile.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see