[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
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I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too