I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
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only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”