boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
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FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.