Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
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[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Always
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?