3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
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The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly