Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
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*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.