if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
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[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
December birthdays be like…
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.