If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
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Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
Yoga Matt
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.