I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
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Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.