I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
You Might Also Like
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
me when I see my crush
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about