I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
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“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
🤣🤣🤣
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the