Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
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Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.