Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
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Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
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Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.