To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
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I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
The honesty is refreshing
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
Cat.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon