[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
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[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Admin smashed it 😂
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
How about daylight saves us for once
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.