how was your vacation
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Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Fiction has to make sense.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe