I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
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I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.