[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
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My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
👾👾👾
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them