[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
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Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
and now we wait
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.