me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
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Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
The Wolf of Wall Street.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”