[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
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Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Someone just threatened to call me later
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.