I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
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The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
It has been 3 years since Monday.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it