[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
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I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.