“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
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Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work