You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
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Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
I need better friends
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”