Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
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cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
How to properly lift a body
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then