Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
You Might Also Like
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
Tough love is true love
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”