wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
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Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
I identify as an antique shop.