“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
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My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling