My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
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The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.