Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
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Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising