ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
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I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
No chill.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.