the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
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I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
stand with me against insufficient seating
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.