It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
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This was my dad’s browser history.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
*names my little horse OneTrick*
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.