When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
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When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”