My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
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I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude