My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
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Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
never compromise your values
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.