felt that
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Introverted vegans go meetless
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!