Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
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Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
beware of dog
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us